


Four : Lang Leav , A Way Out : Do You Know What It Is Like / If You Were Not To Wake

by spilled_ink



Series: The First and The Last [4]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Gen, Human Jarvis (Iron Man movies), M/M, Tony's first drift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 02:54:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spilled_ink/pseuds/spilled_ink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their first Drift together is supposed to be a whooping success... until it goes wrong. And it goes wrong in all the worst, all the unimaginable ways. Also called : where Jarvis is not an AI but a real person and he happens to be Tony's drift partner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four : Lang Leav , A Way Out : Do You Know What It Is Like / If You Were Not To Wake

The first Drift is almost always the hardest.

Despite all the simulations that Rangers are forced to go through, despite all the programmes in the Jaeger Academy, they could never really prepare you for a Drift, not physically nor mentally. They could only show you what to do. The simulations could never show you the emotions of the moment, how ~~nervous~~ , ~~anxious~~ , ~~excited~~ , scared you really were and how those feelings hit you like a ton of bricks as you donned your Drivesuit.

Tony Stark, made of perfect test scores in every area of training and the confidence of knowing that he's the best in the field knows this as he gets ready, pulling on his brilliant red helmet over his head. It hides the faintest lingerings of nervousness, a nervousness that would normally be covered with arrogance and wealth and the loudness of his personality but shows through in this instance. He knows what’s coming and he feels oddly unprepared despite all the training he has been through.

He knows that as he waits for his Conn-Pod to drop, that this is the real deal. Harness tight around his body, his Drivesuit sticking to the curves of his muscle and the armour following the tight, lean lines of his body, Tony turns his head slightly to catch sight of white blond hair that is as familiar as the back of his hand.

"Ready?"

"Of course, Sir." Jarvis replies easily, his voice teasing on the word 'sir' because Tony is one rank higher than him but one rank nonetheless.

Tony smirks in reply and flexes his fingers in preparation for a time when they'll be too in-sync with each other to make a single move out of line no matter how insignificant it may be. They share one last look, the smallest stirrings of panic behind Tony's eyes as he realizes that this is it. They're ready to do this, ready to take the dive. They're going to delve into each others minds and Tony... Tony knows everything about Jarvis but Jarvis is still blessedly unaware of the parts of Tony's childhood that the latter had not chosen to reveal. 

<<Conn-Pod ready to drop>>

They drop.

Tony's stomach plummets, breath catching in his throat as they come to a jarring halt. The entire world seems to have tilted slightly, off balance and out of colour but Tony shakes his head to clear it away. The world doesn't matter, it's just him and Jarvis, the partner he'd give his life for, he'd share his memories with, he'd do anything for.

"Allright, Sir?"

"Perfectly."

<<Neural handshake initiated>>

Bright blue, morphing and merging in his minds eye, Tony blanks out his mind and refuses to latch onto any memories, all of them passing over him, buffeting him with how vivid they are but he calibrates quickly, efficiently.

<<Right hemisphere calibrated>>

He glances over to Jarvis, wondering why he was ever even remotely worried about bridging to his partner, why the process made him feel so uneasy.

<<Left hemisphere not calibrated>>

Tony blinks. They're ~~not calibrated~~ , ~~not calibrated~~ , ~~not calibrated,~~ not-

But he's still caught in that Headspace with Jarvis, their memories, emotions, thoughts melded together so closely that they think as one, two minds in one massive steel body. And Tony's talking to him, talking to Jarvis but it feels ~~strange~~ , ~~odd~~ , different and he realizes with a sinking feeling in his gut that the world is still out of tune, still slightly titled and the colours skewed.

Tony begins to panic internally but keeps a straight ~~face~~ mind.

 

_Jarvis, buddy, you here?_

Sir?

_Jarvis, what's happening? Are you chasing the rabbit?_

I don't know... Sir... I think... not...

_Jarvis?_

Sir, I-

_Jarvis!_

 

And then the blue is back enveloping his mind and ~~ripping~~ , ~~tearing~~ , breaking it apart, setting fire to his very existence. Tony screams, once, the sound cut short as his harness releases him from its hold, his body hitting the floor of the Conn-Pod and lying still, his mind still burning away. Cool blue envelops him and extinguishes the flames, the light touches of a hand on the back of his neck, running through his hair, rousing him from his fall.

Tony cranes his neck and looks up, eyes bleary, only to see Jarvis's body still limp in his harness, limp and unmoving and ~~dead~~.

Don't be don't be don't be

Dead.

Don't be-

He startles.

 

Sir?

_Jarvis? What's happening, J? Talk to me._

I'm not sure Sir, but the drift was unsuccessful.

_I can tell, J_. _Where-?_

I don't know Sir, in your subconscious maybe. My body ~~isn't~~ , ~~isn't~~ , isn't responding. 

_What's that supposed to mean?_

 

Tony gathers himself, gathers the last of his energy to pull himself up into sitting position, all hands and knees, head bowed under the immense pressure in his head, the throbbing of his mind and the sickening feeling in his gut. He can barely keep his eyes open and he wonders, briefly, why no-one is coming for them, why no-one is helping, why it's taking so damn long-

 

If I may, Sir, it seems we are not connected to the mainframe. I'm guessing the jolt in the Conn-Pod when it dropped may have resulted in an unsteady connection, perhaps, or maybe...?

_You really are in my mind, eh buddy?_

I am, Sir, if you'd rather I wasn't I could-

 

_No! I mean, no, Jarvis, you're more than welcome it's just... I..._ _I'm sorry._

_Whatever for, Sir?_

Our first Drift, it was supposed to be good, supposed to be fun. 

_It was fun, Sir, I found out more about you than I could have hoped and I wish it was the same for you._

It was,

 

They lapse into a small silence, the sound of whirring blades cutting into the metal of the Conn-Pod reaching their ears, or rather, Tony's ears. Tony chokes back a sob as the full realization hits him. Jarvis is gone. He's gone, he's dead he's-

 

Not exactly, Sir.

_What do you mean?_

I feel like... my body is not alive but my mind functions, it works, it thinks and if my mind is not dead then I can't be either. I'm always going to be here, but in your mind, Sir, in your head. As long as you remember me, allow me to exist, I will.

_What does it feel like?_

It feels like... like I'm in a dream, Sir, a lucid dream where I can control my thoughts but not my actions. I can see and hear through you because my subconscious has become a part of yours but it's different because I feel like I am buried under you. I've become a part of a greater whole, not quite myself but not quite... you. It's like my being is trapped under yours. Do you understand, Sir? Do you know what it feels like? 

_I do._

 

And Tony does, nodding slowly, the echoes of Jarvis still stuck in his mind, fragmented and shattered, but held together in his memories. He can still hear the screaming, muffled by layers of other memories and buried under his subconscious mind but he knows exactly what Jarvis means. It's like struggling to the surface of a dream even as it drags you under, drags you back.

Tony nods.

He knows, now, what it's like to not wake because Jarvis knows.


End file.
